Ready to get real uncomfortable?
Good, let’s talk about setting boundaries.
Now, let’s not confuse this with building walls, which I confused for many years like many others do, and still have to check myself on.
Building walls means you don’t want to let ANYONE in. Not your friends, your family, hell even yourself. This is created out of fear. This is part of programming due to (usually) something that has happened to you in your past. You close yourself off and say it’s to “protect yourself”, but through that protection, you miss out on opportunities.
Not only receiving, but also giving love and affection.
And so many other important aspects of life. What started as something you built out of love for yourself, becomes something toxic that inhibits your growth as a person, and becomes a prison that you yourself built...and that’s shitty.
Take a friend I have (and adore) for example. She was done REAL DIRTY by the father of her child. Because of the pain she experienced and the lack of trust in men that grew from it, she built walls. She became bitter and angry for many years, sad because she wanted love so badly, yet untrusting of anyone who tried to give it to her. She shut herself off to love and affection out of fear of getting hurt again , and in the process began doubting she would ever find love and wasn’t giving herself the love she deserved. Since then, she took a step back and began focusing on loving and respecting herself. She set healthy boundaries, and even though many situations arose and it was difficult for her, she used honest discernment and followed her intuition to guide her on what was best for her and her highest growth. Now, she's happily engaged to a great man with a baby on the way!
Another example, different context. I’ll use myself here: I have the hardest time saying no to people. Even if I’m tired, even if I’m sick, I need a personal day, I’m busy, etc...I tend to put myself and put my needs on the back burner to appease other people. Why?
I hate to disappoint people.
Since I was a kid, the thought of disappointing people puts my stomach in knots and puts my anxiety through the roof. I’ve always had an issue with not feeling like I’m “enough”.
Enough as a romantic partner, a friend, a daughter, a mom...
the List goes on. I beat myself up about everything quite a bit and can get myself into a funk where I begin closing everyone off, that way there’s no room for disappointment if that’s just “the way I am”, right? No.
Sound familiar? Many women unfortunately have been through these cycles, and similar other cycles. I’ll tell you something my mom has always told me and one of the truest things I’ve ever known:
You cannot love another until you first love yourself.
Building walls is a result of fear through programming and a lack of self love.
Setting boundaries, however, is the cornerstone of emotional maturity and is done through love. Setting boundaries let’s others know that you value, respect, and love yourself. That you’re open to love, friendship, opportunity, etc...but only as long as they’re in alignment with your values and morals.
And one of the most important aspects of this: NEVER making exceptions. The moment you make exceptions for one person or situation...you put yourself on the back burner and it’s more likely to continue to happen (been there, no thank you!)
I've been working on setting boundaries, and let me tell you. Once I put it out to the universe that I was tearing down walls and replacing them with healthy boundaries, Source decided to throw everything possible my way. Things I would normally bend over backwards for in an instant. Things I wouldn’t even think twice about before putting myself and my needs to the side.
And you know what?
In one week I found out who was aligned with who I am and strive to be and who wasn’t. I lost my best friend of 20 years, and turned my own mom away from staying with me and my family while she works on her mental health (a long story short: I wasn’t going to put my family, especially my kids, through the stress, confusion, and heartache that was already coming with it. Plus I would only enable her to continue on her path, and she needs to grow at this moment).
This is a super important aspect of growth and brings with it so much potential and beauty. It allows you the clarity to see who’s truly for you and who isn’t. The clarity to see what situations help you to grow and bloom, and which hold you back from ever reaching your potential. And the self respect to actually do something about it and make the necessary changes, no matter how scary or different it may be.
This week’s homework: when you have some free time, Meditate.
Get clear on who you are, who you want to be, and what you want out of life.
Write down the things that are in alignment with your goals and needs, as well as the things that aren’t in alignment. It may be difficult to admit some of the things, as
you’ve grown comfortable with being uncomfortable
(read that again. Think it over, let it sink in and process), but it’s the first step towards making real progress and growth in all areas of your life.
Write it all down. Be brutally honest.
Then go through your list and REALLY do it, include the things you’re scared to admit to. Usually the things that we're the most scared of are the most important.
Now, the things that aren’t in alignment? The people? Thank them for their time in your life and what they’ve given you...and release them.
They may have been in alignment with you at one point, but you’ve changed and evolved and they’re no longer meant to be on your path. Not saying it won’t change again in the future, who knows? But for this moment in time, it’s time to thank them and release them. Clear space for what does serve you and your highest good. Think of it as the ultimate decluttering.
Is it easy? Absolutely not.
It wouldn’t be such a widespread issue if it was an easy fix. Even after you release people, situations, and things...you may start thinking “wtf was I thinking?! I want it back!”
Say hello to your ego!
Now ego isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually very necessary and all part of this human experience we're carrying out. However, this is when you need to go within and use your intuition and discernment (as my friend I mentioned above did). When these things pop up, you need to ask yourself (and answer honestly!)
“Am I going back out of fear or because it’s out of my comfort zone...or because it’s truly in alignment with who I am and what I want in life?”
Trust, your mind will try to trick you so quick and have you right back where you were. But going within and using that intuition and discernment, you’ll know what’s right for you and what isn’t.
So, back to your assignment: take the time this week to get clear on what and who in your life is in alignment with your highest good and what isn’t. Release what needs to be released. Create and manifest what is needed as well. Adjust accordingly. And watch how quickly the universe responds to this new level of self love and respect.
Don’t forget to tag us on social media #RYV when you share your progress with us! I absolutely LOVE seeing people grow and bloom into truer versions of themselves, it inspires me so much!
Also, thinking of creating a class that assists on cutting chords, breaking down walls, and building healthy boundaries. Thoughts? Let me know by responding!