Welcome to our next step in the series, the Throat Chakra! If you're new here and have missed the last steps, you can find them here:
One- Root Chakra
Two- Sacral Chakra
Three- Solar Plexus Chakra
Four- Heart Chakra
Me and the throat Chakra...have quite the relationship with each other. It's the Chakra I have always struggled with the most to balance, and continue to struggle with and have to work at on a daily basis. No, my issue isn't that I'm one of those "speak my mind to anyone and everyone I come across" overactive type of issues. My issue is it's extremely UNDERACTIVE, meaning in the type to freeze up and go into complete mind blanking shut down mode at the first sign of confrontation.
Yeah, not fun. I've spent countless days (and long nights) kicking myself and replaying situations in my head over and over AND OVER again, with all the things I shoulda coulda woulda said but definitely didn't. I've had issues with the way I was treated by friends, but NEVER spoke up about it to them and communicated the issue and instead slowly distanced myself over time until I lost that friendship and was mad at myself for it (and I'm sure the other person was left confused and wondering what they said/did for me to disappear like that).
Things are about to get a bit heavy, so here's some sound therapy to listen to. Play it as you read, when you meditate or journal, or whenever you feel called to. Take note of what feelings come up and your thoughts. Why do they come up? What's asking to be released?
It all stems from my childhood (which carried into adolescence and toxic relationships/friendships- but that's another day). I feel a bit uneasy going there, but I want to be as open and honest as possible here on this blog so we can reach a mutual understanding, learn, and grow together (hello, communication=Throat Chakra aka why we're here).
When I was a kid, I grew up rough. My parents were split from an early age. My dad was very strict and controlling, definitely a "sit down and shut up, it's my way or no way" type when I was growing up. I remember COUNTLESS lectures at the dining room table (or couch, or hallway while simply walking to the bathroom...basically anywhere and anytime) where I had to just sit (or awkwardly stand in the hallway with a full bladder) and listen to him for 3-4 hours at a time. I was not to speak except for an occasional head nod, yes, or no. Most of the time, I didn't even know what spurred the lecture or so much time had passed and he went on so many tangents that I didn't remember what I had done in the first place!
I remember once, we were on vacation at the beach. My dad...is the biggest smart ass there is. And he knows it and proclaims it, but does NOT like to be called out on it by others. I was about 11-12ish and there was a woman who was on the heavier side laying in the sand, wearing more clothes than most would to a beach but otherwise enjoying her day. My step mom had recently given birth to my baby sister and wasn't "beach body ready", god forbid, in only a few short months. So, my dad commented on it and made a comparison to them both. I saw my step moms face fall, and I spoke up and said "that can't be my step mom, she's standing right here silly!"
Boy was that a mistake.
For the rest of the time there, I sat in the sand and wasn't allowed near the water or to play. Once we left, I got lectured all the way back to the hotel room. Where I also wasn't allowed to play and my dad didn't speak to me until the next morning, but made it abundantly clear that he was angry and I had totally screwed up, making it a very uncomfortable evening in small space. For that seemingly small comment I made to make my step mom feel at least a little better. This was my childhood, ladies and gents.
Then...there's my moms.
Around this same time frame, my mom was sick. She struggled with addiction and we were in one bad situation after another. Living at weeklys, staying on couches, staying in her car that we had to push start (you know, put it in neutral. Push it to get it going, hop in and start it quickly, that whole ordeal)- I never knew what it would be from each day. I knew my mom wasn't well, but I never said a word. I was just quietly there with her for the ride. Hoping everywhere we ended up that we'd be safe and that at some point during it all, she'd realize "wow, I'm here with my kid...this is rock bottom and I need to get it together" but she didn't. (Until one day she disappeared for almost a year...but we'll save that for another day).
Even though I was a kid and it's not a kids job to tell their parents that they're screwing up to the fullest...I still NEVER communicated anything to her. Not that I was scared to sleep at other peoples houses. Not that I was uncomfortable in the car. Not that I was hungry because I only had school lunch to eat since yesterday. Nothing. I stayed silently next to her, for many years.
I also never said anything to my dad.
He knew she wasn't well. It was very obvious and he liked to bring it up to me when he was in his "moods" on occasion and tell me how he was the better parent for it. He just did it in such an un-nurturing, unconcerned for how I felt about it and what I was going through type of way, that I never spoke a word about what was truly going on at my moms and how bad it really was. I just quietly nodded along and kept to myself.
Why? Why didn't I say something? In my head, I was screaming and begging to tell someone how I felt and what was happening and ask them to stop. But the words never left my mouth. So much so, that I actually came to realize recently that I've developed a habit of physically covering my mouth when there's something I want to say but don't say it- as if to physically keep the words from spilling out.
Years later, I did finally erupt. As most things do when they've been left to boil for far too long. And it led to me moving out of my dads at 17, leaving behind my younger siblings I took care of, and causing an even bigger rift between my dad and I that we're barely beginning to repair after almost 10 years.
Would things have been different if I had spoken up, at least part of the time instead of never? Probably. I used to dwell on it, but it caused me more anguish and anxiety than anything so I've learned to accept that things happened the way they did for a reason, and now I need to work on de-programming and re-programming myself from that way of living so it doesn't affect current and future relationships with friends, family, and loved ones.
Man oh man...it has been, above all, the toughest thing I've had to work on de-programming from my conscious mind. And I can honestly say, I owe the biggest thank you and hallelujah to my boyfriend for it. You see...he's a Leo.
Yep, little quiet and withdrawn me fell in love with a loud, boisterous, opinionated, and confident Leo. And he fell for little ol' me. He has this beautiful ability of being able to read me like an open book, something that once terrified me because I prided myself on the impenetrable walls I had built for many years (I know, real healthy). And boy does he call me out, yet he has managed to find a way to do so in the most loving way possible. He calls me out on my nonsense while also holding an open, trusting space that makes me actually WANT to open up and communicate my issues rather than stuff them down. He tells me, and makes me feel and know, that I'm worth something more and deserve a voice. That I won't get where I'm meant to be in life without it. And that people will continue to walk all over me if I don't change it. The strides and leaps I've made over the years being with him, being in a space where I feel I can open and expand and blossom, have been monumentous and no words will ever begin to explain the gratitude I hold for this man because of it.
I'm not saying I don't struggle, I struggle everyday and often find myself with that lump in my throat feeling when I'm in an uncomfortable or confrontational situation. But, most of the time I can now swallow that lump, take a deep breath, and speak my truth with dignity.
That's the thing about healing, it's a never ending journey. It's something you work on every single day and strive to be a better version of yourself than you were yesterday. It's holding yourself accountable for your actions and where you fall short, rather than becoming a victim to your situations and past so that you can grow from it and bloom. I could have (and did for many years) play the victim card of "oh well I grew up like this so this is just the way I am", but no. There's no growth in that mindset. I got tired of feeling tired. Tired of my past playing a huge role in my present. And tired of never moving forward. So, while I know that my past is where it started and why, I don't blame my past. Or my mom. Or my dad. They had their faults, but so did I. And I take responsibility for it.
So...this blog post I did things very differently. Rather than say "okay here's a list of this and that related to throat Chakra!" I wanted to tell my story in hopes that some of you out there can relate and feel less alone. It's my hope that this tells you that your voice is important, it's powerful, and it's so necessary for you to cultivate the life you want to live rather than stay hidden and scared in the shadows of what could be out of comfortability. That sometimes we have off days where we say "damnit I fell back into my old habits!" But that it's okay, as long as you recognize it and make the next day better. No one is perfect, we all have our shadows and inner demons. We all have work to do and lessons to learn. You, are NOT alone.
For those just starting out on this journey of self healing, or for those who need a reminder from time to time, here's a free printable with some symptoms of balance vs unbalance and self healing techniques I like to use.
The fact that I'm able to write this post and put it out to the world shows the amount of work I've put into my Throat Chakra and the growth I've made. I'll be honest, I'm proud of myself. I still have work to do, but I'm proud nonetheless. And happy.
And I feel free. damn, do I feel free...
Where do you struggle with your Throat Chakra? Is it under active or overactive? Comment below. Share a little tidbit about your journey if you feel called to. Let's share and grow together.
Don't forget that we now offer Chakra Healing in our services HERE. We will go over each of your chakras through an energy scan and discuss imbalances before I begin healing. I'm so excited to be able to offer this to you to jump start and assist your healing process!
Thank you for allowing me to hold this space and pour my heart out a bit. I send love and gratitude to each and every one of you for it.
Thank you for being a part of our journey, and thank you for allowing us to be a part of yours as well.